Children
Children are especially welcome at our funeral home. We
have a toy box for the very young and a range of books for
older children. We are happy to involve children in funeral
arrangements and talk to them about viewing.
Talking to children
It is important to talk with children when a close friend or family member dies.
Find a quiet, secure and familiar place and talk openly and honestly about it. Keep explanations simple and truthful. Use accurate words and terms and do not say ‘taken away’ or ‘has gone to sleep’. Such terms may cause the child to think that the next person who goes away will not return or make them afraid to go to sleep.
Younger children will feel the loss differently from a teenager or an adult. They may feel they have lost a nurturer or protector. They need reassurance that they are safe and will be cared for. Provide them with lots of stability, routine and extra affection.
Make sure you tell children what to expect over the days following the death. Explain that people will visit the house and some will be upset and cry. Tell them it is OK to cry.
Remember that children are often interested in concrete information. They can be very matter of fact and ask about details that adults would rather avoid.
When discussing the burial or cremation explain that being dead does not hurt. You can say that in cremation the body is turned to soft ashes by a special fire. For burial you may use the story of the death of a pet and burial in the garden, to make it more familiar and natural.
Children participating in the service
If children wish to attend the service provide encouragement and support. If however they do not wish to attend, never force them. A video recording of the service may be valuable when they are ready to see it.
Older children may wish to read, play or choose some music, or help the pallbearers (we can tie ribbons to the casket handles). Younger children may put a flower or drawing or photo in the casket.
It is common for children to play and so they may re-enact the funeral or pretend to be sick or dying. Don’t be surprised or alarmed, as this is normal. Provide support and don’t treat their play as something naughty.
Children with special needs
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Intellectual Will
sense the change caused by bereavement and respond with
emotions and tears like everyone else. Some may not fully
understand their own feelings and what has happened. Their
needs are the same as any child. Love, support and consistency
with routines will help.
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Orphans The loss of an only parent or both parents is a very traumatic experience for a child and complicates the grieving process. It is important for the child to be given love, support and reassurance that they are safe and will be cared for.
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Physical Arrangements must be made to enable children with special physical needs to grieve. They should attend the viewing of the body, the funeral service and cremation or burial, as any other child would. Extra thought must be given to ensuring they feel included and supported.
Children’s support groups are many and varied. It may be helpful for children to share their feelings and reassuring for them to observe that other children’s reactions to grief, are similar to theirs.
For more information go to www.skylight.org.nz
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